Thursday, July 16, 2015

no chance

by cindy jane walker

illustrations by palomine studios


my name is cindy jane, and this is my story.

i never had a chance.

i was a sensitive child.

just like you, maybe.

but nobody liked me.

i had no friends.

my mom hated me because i was not a boy.

my dad hated me because he hated the whole human race.

we lived in a big house high up on the hill.

it was empty. empty except for us, i mean.

we didn’t have any butlers or maids or servants.

although people thought we did (more on this later).

we didn’t have any cats or dogs or even a parrot or a goldfish.

curiously enough we had no rats or mice, either.

occasionally a fox or a wolf or a raccoon would dash past the house in the moonlight and the wolf might howl.

bats and crows flew around the house, but never came inside even though many of the windows were broken and we left them all open in the summer.

mom said it was because the house was haunted.

dad said it was because the house was cursed. (there was a difference.)

we didn’t have any mirrors. i never saw my own reflection until i went to school, except in puddles or when i washed my face and brushed my teeth in the morning and at night.

you say, no mirrors ah ha! don’t get ahead of yourself.

everything will be revealed. well, some things will be revealed.

if you are one of those people who care whether something is “true” as opposed to something which is “not true” maybe you better stop reading now.

i’m just saying. where was i?

i was a sensitive child. i already said that.

and lonely.

i didn’t even have a doll.

what i had was a box of matches. old wooden matches.

no, i never set anything on fire, i used to make up stories about the matches.

some of them were princesses and princes and monsters and wolves, others were the armies they fought each other with, or the servants who waited on them.

things went on in this way until i went to school. that’s when i found out i was rich.

i found out on the first day of school from regina molesworth.

regina molesworth was - and is - the most important person in my life.

way more important than myself.

she was the princess, the leader of the pack, the one everybody wanted to be - especially me.

i have spent my whole life loving her.

and i love her now more than ever.

anyway, it was the first day of school.

the first thing ms heartswell, the teacher, did was ask all us kids to stand up one at a time. and introduce ourselves - to tell our names and what we liked to do best in the world.

so when my turn came i got up and said, my name is cindy jane walker and i like to play with matches.

ms heartswell did not look at me too kindly as i made this admission, and although i hastened to explain she ever after looked on me as her least favorite pupil.

of course she loved regina, as did the whole human race, and no matter how mean regina was to anybody else - especially me - she always laughed because regina was her favorite and i soon learned like everybody else that if i ever tried to defend myself ms heartwell took regina’s side and called me a little liar.

so - on that first day lunch time came around.

i was wearing my only dress - a plain blue one made out of an old tablecloth with ketchup stains on it.

regina appeared in front of me with her gang - 80% of the class - in tow.

“cindy jane, huh! ” regina sneered, “what kind of name is that for the richest kid in town? what are you, trying to be a prole or something, and get down with the people? huh?”

and she knocked me down into a mud puddle which i just happened to be standing in front of.

i got up and tried to defend myself against the unfair allegation but regina and her pals were having none of it.

cooley was regina’s number one toady and would be for years. it is one of nature’s laws that number one toadies - whether they be male or female or in between, always only have a last name, never a first name.

cooley looked at me and asked, “if you ain’t rich, how come the town is named walkerville, hey?”

and regina knocked me down into the mud puddle again.

and i got up, and got up again and again over the years, as you will see.

and i loved regina forever and always will.

later, when i became a world famous courtesan and porn star, among other things. i would learn all too much about all the things humans call “love” and “sex” and “passion” but none of those things had anything to do with what i felt for regina then and forever.

the only true passion.

i just wanted her to like me.

next: the philosopher

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